Self Awareness and Growth: Freedom vs Structure and How Your Past Shapes Behaviour

Freedom & Restriction

For many years, I rejected structure.

Any form of routine felt controlling. Something to resist.

This came from my upbringing - growing up in a strict religious school

environment in a South African convent. As a young adult, I wanted to distance myself from it completely.

So I did the opposite.

I chose freedom.

Expression.

Living entirely on my own terms.

What I didn’t realise at the time was this:

I wasn’t free.

I was reacting.

My past wasn’t behind me…it was quietly influencing every decision I made.

Childhood conditioning shapes far more than we realise.

It influences how we think, behave, and respond to life - often without our awareness. And unless you take the time to look deeply at yourself, those patterns remain hidden.

I’ve always worked hard.

I had the ability.

The experience.

The determination.

But something wasn’t translating into the level of success and freedom I knew I was capable of.

The missing piece was simple:

structure and consistency.

From the outside, my life looked successful.

Privately, it was chaotic.

At some point, I had to stop rejecting my past…and start understanding it.

Not all of it was negative.

That was a difficult truth to accept.

When something causes pain, it’s easy to label all of it as bad and avoid it entirely. But in doing that, you often discard the parts that were valuable.

And in my case, those parts mattered.

There were lessons in discipline.

Standards.

Consistency.

Things I had rejected…but ultimately needed.

Another pattern I had to face was perfectionism.

Nothing was ever good enough.

Mistakes weren’t tolerated.

Failure wasn’t an option.

And while high standards can be powerful, taken too far they become self-destructive.

I would create things - writing, content, ideas - and discard them over the smallest detail.

I have countless pieces of work that were never shared.

Growth requires balance.

Standards matter.

Effort matters.

But so does perspective.

Positive reinforcement, self-awareness, and the ability to move forward without self-punishment are just as important.

There was also another belief I carried:

Always put others first.

And again - there’s truth in that.

But only to a point.

Because without boundaries, you don’t end up being kind…you end up being depleted.

Not everyone operates from the same place.

Some give.

Some take.

And if you’re not aware of that, you will carry burdens that were never yours to begin with.

This is where boundaries become essential.

You can be kind…and still be firm.

You can care…without overextending yourself.

And you are not responsible for how others feel when you enforce those boundaries.

If you act with respect and someone responds with disrespect, that tells you everything you need to know.

For a long time, I struggled with this.

Protecting my boundaries triggered guilt and shame.

I’m naturally empathetic. I don’t like seeing others in distress.

But empathy without boundaries becomes self-sacrifice.

It took awareness, reflection, and time to change that.

And none of this would have happened if I hadn’t faced my past.

The truth is:

You can blame your past…

But more often than not, it’s not your past holding you back.

It’s your refusal to understand it.

The past holds keys to your future.

But only if you’re willing to look at it honestly.

To process it.

To learn from it.

To extract the wisdom from it.

Undigested pain doesn’t disappear.

It shows up in behaviours.

Patterns.

Coping mechanisms.

Often in ways you don’t consciously recognise.

And the more you avoid it…the more control it has.

Self-awareness is not optional if you want to live fully.

Without it, you repeat patterns. You create cycles. You become reactive instead of intentional.

Many people avoid this work.

Even when they’re unhappy. Even when they reach breaking points.

Because facing yourself requires honesty.

And honesty requires courage.

But avoiding it comes at a cost.

It affects your mental state.

Your physical wellbeing.

Your relationships.

Your direction in life.

At some point, you have to decide:

Continue avoiding…or understand yourself properly.

It isn’t easy.

Looking at your past.

Facing your patterns.

Taking responsibility.

It requires patience.

And self-compassion.

But there is no shame in getting things wrong.

There is far more weight in living a life that isn’t true to who you are.

Freedom doesn’t come from avoiding structure.

It comes from understanding yourself.

From making aligned choices.

From living with awareness.

That was the shift for me.

What once felt restrictive…became grounding.

What once felt controlling…became empowering.

With time, reflection, and growth, something changes.

You stop resisting yourself.

You start understanding yourself.

Now, in my 40s,I have something I never had before:

A quiet confidence. An inner stability. A sense of peace.

And perhaps most importantly - I no longer resent my past.

I appreciate it.

For what it taught me. For how it shaped me. And for the person I continue to become. If this resonated with you, there’s more depth waiting.

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